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Sunday, December 25, 2005


Duncewatch IV: A New Hope(lessly stupid In-duh-vidual)

For many years Liberia was ruled by a group of people called the True Whig Party. The opposite of a True Whig is presumably a Fake Tory, and if you were to look up the phrase "Fake Tory" in a dictionary I bet you would come across a picture of this man.

Nowadays the true self-hating devotee of misery is running short of utterly pathetic losers to root for: first the Red Sox, then the White Sox, and even the England cricket team failed to fail, and who knows - maybe one of these days Scotland may actually win at soccer? But it's good to know that there is still one absolute zero in the universe of human achievement: the British Con-servative Party. They're the most reliable people who ever lived: they will always let you down.

But even by the unexacting standards of his decripid party, which is not so much a political movement as a bowel movement, Oliver Letwin really stands out. With the election of a new fool^H^H^H^H venerable statesman to the pitcher of warm spit that is the Tory Party leadership, that bunch of superannuated chodes got a temporary poll boost. The prospect of maybe, just maybe, actually getting within sight of power evidently scared them so much that they tasked their economics spokesdolt with pissing all over what was left of their free-market credentials.

"We should support redistribution", quacks Oliver. No, actually, Oliver, you shouldn't. You should support growth; you know, that rising tide that lifts all the boats? You know, opportunity? You know, hope? I mean, really, dude, if your idea of good fiscal policy is to suck the financial lifeblood out of the productive economy and spend the proceeds on hiring a bunch of Deputy-Sub-Under-Administrators of Gender-Sensitive Organic Recycled Nappy Empowerment Outreach Programmes, then what the FUCKING FUCK IS THE FUCKING POINT OF OPPOSING THE FUCKING CURRENT GOVERNMENT? You might as well just negotiate a merger with the ZaNuLabour Party and turn the country into a de jure one party state instead of a de facto one.

Oliver- you betrayed and demoralised your party's base; you betrayed the closest thing left to a Conservative value; and, frankly, you totally look the part- Oliver: you're a dunce.

Oh, and one more thing: I want my Green Card...

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